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2 years ago ::
Oct 28, 2011 - 6:36PM
#1
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Ok, I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me regarding an overbearing grandmother-to-be (my mom). She wants to be way too involved in my son's life and he's not even born yet! She always talks about how she's going to buy him all these clothes and toys and take him on trips to places like Disney land whether my fiance and I approve or not (we've actually pointed out things we weren't comfortable with and she said she'd do them anyway). She acts like she has some right to try to parent our child instead of being just a loving grandmother. In addition, I don't really think I'd be comfortable leaving him with her because I can't trust her to follow our rules and not just do whatever she wants. There's also the fact that she and I don't have the best realtionship, which is in part due to the fact that I don't feel like she listens to me or respects my feelings. Any advise would be greatly appreciated because unfortunately I currently live with her because my fiance and I can't yet afford out own place and when we've tried to talk to my mother about things she becomes hostile and either makes excuses without explanations or plays the victim ( saying things like, "Well since I'm such a horrible person I guess I won't be involved at all" in response to statements like "I don't feel comfortable with the idea of trips or outings that we don't approve first.".
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2 years ago ::
Oct 29, 2011 - 3:06PM
#2
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I understand how hard it can be when you are at this point- we've had a few times my MIL has said things like that also. I've just figured all along though that things like trips are a long time in the future (and since she never took her 2 kids on those trips, she probably won't take ours either). Now that dd is 8 months, I've kind of loosened up a little bit. Things like clothes and toys don't bug me (they aren't cheap and they don't fit long) and I've really appreciated how much my MIL gives us. Even if it is to the point of overbearing, the best thing sometimes is to accept that there is a lot of good coming out of it too: you get to save money on things, and you ARE still in charge. So in 5 years your mom wants to go to Disneyland- make her pay for your tickets too. A lot changes in 5 years, maybe she won't even want to take your son when she sees how much tickets are. And she really doesn't mean it when she says she'll take him even if you say no. That's kidnapping. Make a list of all the things that make you uncomfortable at this point in time and why, then give the written list to your mom. Ask her why she thinks it's OK to do it even if you say no. A written list will get you a lot further and help you keep composure (something that it appears your mom lacks) much better than verbalizing it. Let this list be your rules. Explain that she needs to follow your rules when she is with the baby. After you have the baby and settle in, reevaluate your rules. Decide which ones are most important and which ones could maybe be adjusted. Good luck, it's tough when you live with head strong people!
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2 years ago ::
Nov 06, 2011 - 12:10PM
#3
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Hi, I'm not sure how long this post has been up, but I wanted to offer advice anyway. First off, it sounds like she feels that since you and your family live with her that she should have some modicum of control over you and your children, which is obviously not right. First thing I would do in that situation is move out at the first opportunity. As far as her playing the victim, if you she says that to you, don't play into it. Simply tell her, that's her choice if she doesn't want to be involved, don't allow her to give you an all or nothing ultimatum when it comes to YOUR child. Because in the end, if she chooses not to be a part of your children's lives simply because you won't allow her to run all over you, that's her issue, not yours. The only way to deal with people like that is to not feed into it. And if she takes the hostile route, then I would seriously consider how much of that you want your child exposed to, because the child will eventually pick up on the same behavior. I understand that you and your fiance are in a tough spot, I'm in one myself, but you don't have to put up with her behavior either. As far as her taking your child on trips without your consent, everyone knows she can't legally do that, so try not to stress too much about it, you have enough stress without worrying about that. Good luck and I hope things work out for you :)
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2 years ago ::
Nov 16, 2011 - 5:24PM
#4
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The good news is that she is willing to participate and help out. Just because you live under her roof doesn't mean the child is hers. Relax and take one day at a time and one issue at a time. My oldest is 7 and my mom has been talking about taking her to Disney since she was born. It hasn't happened yet! Grandmas are well meaning, you just have to set up some boundaries. If you approach each situation with love there shouldn't be a problem. A great answer to a lot of things are this " Mom, that sounds like a lot of fun, how about we do it as a family" Best wishes. Keep us posted on how things are going. Tammy
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