Well we are about to become caregivers in a whole new way in a couple more weeks. My husbands father is coming to live near us. He has bipolar and dementia issues. He has been deteriorating slowly over the last year, but he has had some major problems over the last month and is currently in a psychiatric unit in California.

We are trying to make arrangements for him to come here, but the doctor there won't return our phone calls. We have a ton of questions and can't seem to get answers from anyone!

I told my husband last night that it was an unexpected turn of events. I've really been hoping that we could start trying for another baby soon, really, really hoping it will be a boy. Instead we're getting a not-happy-about it at all grandpa with some very complicated health issues. :( I don't think DH is going to be at all interested in adding anymore stress to our lives at all. Even if it's cute as a button. Better start praying for another "accident" ;)

I really am happy to care for him as long as our family is able, i hate the thought of putting him in a nursing home unless it is absolutely necessary. But it is a daunting responsibility, and i really dont think my husband is prepared for how sick and aged he really is. We havent seen him in about six years, and i know he has changed so much.

Here's hoping for the best!

Hi Judy,

What a tough situation. I actually just went through this myself. My father passed in April but before then he needed a lot of help caring for himself. I was happy to do it but I had a ton of other obligations as well. There was so much involved and I have to be honest, my level of stress went through the roof. I'm not even sure how I did it all.

Judy~ make sure you take care of yourself through all the changes that are coming up! Find a way to get a break when you need it. We had a lot of help from hoscpice. At first I would turn their help away, as things got worse they talked me into leaving while they were there to sit with my dad. It was a huge help.

I have a feeling you are right about your husband not knowing how much work it really is going to be. It's a full time job that takes away from other responsibilities.

Please know that I am here if you ever need someone to talk to....or make you laugh :)

Tammy

Anytime Judy, I really know how hard this can be on the whole family. Please reach out to us when you need someone to talk to!

Tammy

The hospital wouldn't admit him. He was too stable for involuntary admittance and he wouldn't sign for voluntary. My husband and I feel like we are trapped in some kind of alternate reality. The nurse basically said my husband isn't able to care for a slightly confused old man. That she talked with him for 15 minutes and he didn't seem that confused. He almost led the director to believe that my husband's truck was his and that my husband was trying to get it from him. My husband was there for over three hours, he broke down in tears several times because he is so overwhelmed by the situation. My FIL passed the questionare to determine if he should be involuntarily admitted, but he sat in the lobby of the building for three hours and never figured out that it was a behavioral hospital, even though there were signs that said so everywhere. He thought he was there for an eye exam. When my husband brought him home he told him multiple versions of what happened, none of which were even close to accurate. He had managed to correctly answer what city he was in, that my husband has three kids, and that he has been staying in a hotel. But if they would have aske him how long he has been here, how did he get here, what are our children's names, approximate ages, genders, what is my name, or the name of and the  city that the hotel he is staying at is he can't answer a single one. When my husband told the director this, he agrees, but says there's nothing he can do. That's not part of the evaluation.

When my husband dropped him off at the hotel, he couldn't find his room, or open it using the card key, so my husband walked him through it step by step again. He again couldn't operate te coffee pot. We are so sickened by the whole situation, we are both in tears about it. We don't have the ability to take care of him twenty-four hour a day. We have to let him refuse his meds, ( the hospital in California told us we could put it in his food if he wouldn't otherwise take it, so we have been, thinking that that was important that he should take his medicine), leave him alone to do as he pleases, which will lead to him wandering away and ultimately having a manic episode and becoming homeless again before any hospital will help him and even then, they might just stabilize him and send him "home".

Everyone tells us "yes,we can help" and then when it comes down to it, they say "no, we can't do this or that" or "actually, we're not allowed to do that". I'm so tired of false hope and dead ends. We would happily take care of this man if we could get the right kind of help and resources! But because we are involved instead of just saying "here he is, he's your problem now" and dumping him off on the system, they don't know how to help us help him! This is the most ridiculous, aggrevating and utterly exhausting process ever. We feel so deflated and helpless right now. He feels really lost, scared and confussed. But we are the only ones who seem to see it, whic makes us look out of our minds instead of him.

We are not surprised that he can hold a conversation and be suave and smooth and charming. That is a skill he has honed since childhood to get people to do what he wants. And what people outside of his intimate circle can see is that everything he says is some kind of manipulation of the truth if not just outright lies, and he has been telling so many different versions of a lie that he ha no memory of the truth anymore. These are the things that the doctors and nurses can't dicern from a fifteen minute conversation with him. It doesn't matter that he can converse well when an hour later he won't remember who he talked to or what about. And that the next time you ask him about something he is going to tell a completely different version of the story. They don't see the major disfunction going on behind the facade of lies! And they doubt and question our abilities and motives instead.

We really don't know what to do, it seems like everything we have done that seems to us to be right, is just wrong. We don't know where to go from here. :'''(

Crazy few days. We have been going non-stop. And then when either of us have a minute to just sit down we crash. We are both so tired. I can't believe how much this process takes out of you and we're relatively young to be dealing with this by ourselves. I can't imagine how those who are already up there in age must feel when doing this for a spouse.

Well, good news. He was picked up for wandering Saturday night. Because my husband let the first few calls go to voicemail they took him to the hospital where he was admitted and put on a 72 hour hold. When my husband went to bring his records and paperwork, it was a complete turn around from just one day before. We contacted the specialized hospital we were trying to admit him to on Friday to see if they still had a bed open. The liason took care of everything.  He was transferred there Sunday morning. Monday after his meeting with the psychiatrist, they tell us that he will be there for two weeks to get him stabilized then they would arrange for transfer to the nursing home of our choosing. It was like night and day.

So we spent Monday and Tuesday touring nursing homes, some of which were heartbreaking to imagine him in. We finally found two that we felt he would probably do the best in. We really hope he can get into our first choice without having to go to another facility until the first has an opening. Anyhow, busy, crazy emotional roller coaster. But we finally feel like he will be getting the right kind of help and we can now breathe a little. Wow this has been intense! Thanks for letting me vent, ladies.